6 Key Strategies to Deal With Moral Harassment (Psychological Abuse)

Under the supervision of a physician, a licensed psychologist has compiled the essentials for preventing and coping with harassment. We especially hope those currently suffering will read this. Please take a look if you’re interested.

 

<Created: 2025.9.26 / Last Updated: 2025.9.26>

* If you wish to reprint or otherwise use content from this site, we kindly ask that you credit our site as the source or include a link.

		Author of this article Ichitaro Miki (Miki Ichitaro) — Licensed Psychologist (Japan) Graduated from Osaka University; completed Master’s program at Osaka University Graduate School Over 20 years in psychological practice. Specializes in trauma and attachment disorders, which underlie many difficulties and a sense of “hard-to-live” (ikiru-kuzushisa). Numerous books (totaling ~40,000 copies), TV appearances, production support/supervision for dramas, and features in web media and magazines, including Developmental Trauma: The True Nature of “Hard-to-Live-ness”. Click here for full profile

		Medical supervision of this article Yoshio Iijima — Physician (Psychosomatic Medicine, etc.) In addition to psychosomatic medicine, he is also a clinical psychologist, Kampo (traditional Japanese medicine) doctor, and general practitioner, with broad expertise. He specializes particularly in medically unexplained symptoms and dysautonomia treatment. Click here for full profile

<Article Writing Policy>

・Based on many years of clinical experience and clients’ accounts—especially from the perspectives of attachment and trauma practice—a licensed psychologist provides descriptions, explanations, and key takeaways.

・To the best of our knowledge, we reference specialized books and objective data.

・We strive to update the content with the latest insights wherever possible.

・This article has been translated from the original Japanese using AI. Therefore, it may contain unnatural translations, particularly for specialized terms.

 

 

Table of Contents

1. The Dual Structure of Harassment
2. Attachment Disorders that Attract Harassment
3. “Trauma” as the Anchor that Fuels Fixation on Harassment

4. Perspectives for Escaping Harassment
5. How to Identify Harassment
6. Summary — How to Break Free from Harassment

 

→ Related articles

　▶ “What Is Harassment (Moral Harassment)? — Causes and Characteristics”

　▶ “Understanding Life Struggles: Causes and How to Overcome Them”

 

 

　

 

1. The Dual Structure of Harassment

Harassment is a problem happening right now, but its structure actually consists of two layers of harassment.

 

・The “Original” Harassment

For example, suppose you’re being harassed by a boss at work and are truly at your wits’ end. The immediate issue is the workplace.

However, even in the same workplace, some people are harassed while others keep their distance and get through it. One reason for the difference is whether the person has experienced another layer of harassment—typically in childhood from family. We call this “original harassment (domination).”

Abuse is an obvious example, but being raised by emotionally unstable parents, forced manners/discipline/values, or intrusive overinvolvement under the guise of love also constitute harassment.

Children are born with their own unique personality ([the True Self]). Harassment is the act of someone else trying to alter that.

 

Trust with the [True Self] is broken. You wander without knowing who you are and grow dependent on external rules. Because the connection with the [True Self] is impaired, it becomes harder to intuit when something is wrong. As a result, you may fail to recognize the unfairness you’re currently subjected to.

 

 

・Harassment That Arises in the Present

People sometimes idealize the unfair treatment they received from family in childhood. Those who believe “they were strict for my own good” or “hardship fosters growth” may interpret current harassment as “for my growth,” hesitate to leave, and keep working while carrying a heavy sense of gloom and burden.

 

Even if they recognize the harassment, they often feel they must confront it, not lose, and somehow fix it—thus clinging to the situation. Onto this groundwork, a present-day harassment situation takes root.

 

 

・Resolving It Requires Caring for the Original Harassment

Harassment is thus double-layered. To resolve the current problem, you inevitably need to address the original layer as well.

What about those with little impact from original harassment—those with secure attachment? They tend to have an intangible “don’t-mess-with-me” air and are less likely to encounter harassment. If they do, they quietly leave and create distance. They never “fight it head-on.” Some people are prone to getting entangled in bad-fit relationships; others are not. In the posture of those unaffected by harassment lie the fundamentals for resolving it.

　

 

 

2. Attachment Disorders that Attract Harassment

Harassment undermines the formation of the mental foundation—our “secure base”—causing attachment disorders, and attachment disorders in turn attract further harassment.

→ Please see the reference article below.

　　▶ “What is Attachment Disorder? Its Characteristics and Symptoms”

 

・Attachment as the Foundation for Relating to Society

“Attachment” can be called our other genome—the basis of how we engage with society. This mental foundation typically forms between six months and one and a half years of age. Through communication with an attachment figure (a parent), a child comes to trust the [True Self] and, by extension, others.

With this foundation, we can rely on our own felt sense to judge messages from the outside world appropriately when we step into society.

Harassment hides negative intent, negates the other, sends confusing messages, and ultimately seeks to control. However, with a solid attachment base, we’re less swayed by surface messages and more likely to intuit the negative intent beneath—sensing that something is “off.”

 

 

・Attachment Anxiety Leads to Getting Drawn into Harassment

If you grow up under harassment during that 6–18 month window, attachment becomes unstable—your secure base falters—and communication with the [True Self] is insufficient.

Thus, when harassment messages arrive, you can’t trust the intuitive signals from the [True Self]. You depend on head-driven judgments and get misled by surface cues like “this person has a good reputation” or “they’re a high performer.” Confused by the messages, you end up relying on and being controlled by the harasser.

Harassment also seeks to isolate us. Strictly speaking, you’re not truly isolated—you’re simply leaving unnecessary relationships—but it makes you feel isolated.

 

With a solid attachment foundation, you won’t fall into that trap. Your connection to the [True Self] keeps you steady; you can discern who you truly need and who you don’t. Even if a relationship falters, you recognize that doesn’t mean isolation—it simply means an unnecessary tie is ending. By not wasting effort on the unnecessary, bonds with the people who truly matter deepen.

 

 

・Clinging to the Harasser

When the attachment base is unstable, “fear of abandonment” is stronger, so if a harasser shakes you, you may cling to them to avoid perceived isolation—even though they’re not someone you should be involved with.

Regret about past failures to build relationships may also surge. If you could communicate with the [True Self], you’d see that regret is an illusion. But with an unstable base, you get swept up in it. To escape the regret, you cling to the present “harasser” and keep the relationship going, getting hurt even more.

 

 

・What “Moral Harassment” Means

In this way, harassment disrupts communication with the [True Self], forcing reliance on external norms or people and creating conditions for domination by others. This is what is called “moral harassment.”

There is harassment that disrupts attachment during development, and harassment imposed in adulthood; the former predisposes you to the latter.

 

To overcome harassment, the attachment disturbance in the background needs to be addressed.

 

 

 

3. “Trauma” as the Anchor that Fuels Fixation on Harassment

Those who become victims of harassment often already labor under the spell of original harassment. Escaping is not easy because an anchor that fosters fixation on unfair situations has been implanted. That anchor is trauma.

→ See the related article:

　　▶ “What Are Trauma (Developmental Trauma), PTSD, and Complex PTSD? Causes and Symptoms”

 

・What Trauma Is

Simply put, trauma refers to “stress disorders” caused by excessive or chronic stress—and psychologically, to “harassment.” Under intense stress, the three regulatory systems known as the stress response system (autonomic nervous, immune, and endocrine) fall out of balance, leading to loss of self, and problems (hard-to-live-ness) across emotion, cognition, memory, body, relationships, and more. Trauma isn’t something special; in modern society, nearly everyone carries some trauma (≈ dysfunction caused by stress).

 

 

・When the True Self Is Neglected, Trauma Arises

Ongoing communication that neglects the felt sense of the [True Self] also creates trauma. For example, a child is hungry but is forcibly put to sleep in the name of discipline.

Calling nighttime hunger “selfishness” misses the point. When people can accurately sense their inner state, they don’t feel hunger when it isn’t needed. Excess appetite leading to obesity is often driven by fixation. As nature shows, animals stop once they’re full. Bottomless craving isn’t instinct; it’s often a head-driven illusion rooted in trauma—i.e., a compulsive habit (addiction).

If we support the [True Self]’s signals, trust in self and world grows, and “selfishness” recedes.

 

Conversely, when the [True Self] is denied and trust in the world is lost, fear of deprivation arises and problem behaviors appear. If one’s emotions are continually invalidated, it becomes unclear what one actually feels. This fosters adult vulnerability to injury (insecure attachment).

 

 

・Unfair Memories Keep Beating You Down

In such conditions, even if you try to restore trust in the [True Self], “unprocessed unfair memories” remain nearby, continually beating down the self that seeks to recover.

Prolonged inability to make sense of unfair events invites distorted meaning-making:
“Mom punished me because I wasn’t a good boy,” or
“She punished me out of love for me.”

 

 

・Soothing Pain Through Problem Behaviors

Unfair events are profoundly stressful. Tension stays high. To artificially relieve it, people resort to compulsive/problem behaviors (alcohol, self-harm, drugs, violence, relational problems, etc.).

These behaviors trigger neurochemical release that temporarily soothes the pain; when it wears off, intense anxiety and self-blame return, prompting repetition of the behavior to find relief.

 

 

・Unable to Resist Harassment, You Get Dominated

Without trust in the [True Self], you can’t effectively resist harassment in daily life. Double binds easily unsettle you, and others come to control you.

To resolve this, mere tweaks to communication won’t suffice. You must resolve the trauma anchoring the fixation at the root.

 

 

 

4. Perspectives for Escaping Harassment

・A View of Humanity Underlying Harassment

Harassment certainly involves how to respond to overt mistreatment, but at its core it concerns how we conceive of human beings.

Do we see humans as wild and hopeless at birth, needing discipline and education to be socialized? Or do we see them as born with an inherent, unique personality that no one can change, possessing the basis for sound judgment?

The former view underpins harassment; the latter is the perspective that frees us from it.

 

Anyone who spends time with children sees that their personality isn’t created by parents or discipline; they unmistakably arrive with their own temperament. Parent and child are different people; a parent cannot possibly know what is universally “best” for that child. What adults can do is support the child in accurately sensing their inner experience.

Yet many education and discipline practices are built on the former view. People may espouse ideals on the surface, but when pressed, the former view often peeks through.

Corporate training and coaching often embody the former outright. Many people struggle against shadow messages from bosses or companies like:
“You’re fundamentally flawed,”
“You must elevate your character through work.”

 

At home, too, a partner who seems kind on the surface may, in reality, believe they stand above the other—deeming their spouse an incomplete person lacking manners and feeling justified in “correcting” them.

 

 

・What “Common Sense” Is

“Improving/correcting someone’s character” may be fine if self-chosen, but it is not something one person should impose on another. We’re equals; one person’s view isn’t inherently superior. Even if someone has higher status or achievements, that doesn’t mean their ideas fit you.

There’s no universal rulebook for common sense or etiquette. Cross a border and norms change. Even within one locale, there’s no definitive rule for something as simple as how to eat rice—hence marital squabbles over “the right way.”

Confucius taught that etiquette isn’t about memorizing fixed rules but learning—serving harmony with others. Common sense exists to facilitate respectful dialogue and is co-created through dialogue.

 

 

・Pseudo-Deification

Those who start from fixed standards—“I’m right; comply”—are simply harassers. In workplaces, appeals to “Because I’m the boss” or “Company rules” are used to reshape another’s personhood. Companies that talk about “disciplining employees” are risky. Likewise, a partner who says they will “educate/discipline” their spouse is dangerous.

A hallmark of moral harassment is “pseudo-deification.” The harassing side implicitly believes they have the qualification or standing to correct the other and becomes a controlling presence (a “pseudo-god”) who can change the other—expecting compliance and seeking to reform their behavior.

They won’t say “I’m a god”—that would backfire—so they cloak it with second messages of the double bind: “Because I’m your parent,” “Because I’m your boss,” “I’m doing this for your sake,” “It’s etiquette/common sense,” and so on.

 

 

・How to Break Free

To break free, rather than denouncing others, notice the mechanism and use that awareness. Learning about harassment isn’t to punish someone; it’s to recognize it and walk away.

 

We ourselves can slip into being “pseudo-gods” when we get irritated and try to “correct” someone’s behavior. Even when we feel discomfort, the only permissible act is to express our own feelings—without blaming the other’s character—simply stating what doesn’t work for us, and engaging in dialogue.

　Freedom from harassment begins with knowing that no one has the right to change the [True Self]. From there, you realize you don’t need to change either—you are inherently worthy—allowing you not only to respect others but to fully affirm and trust yourself.

 

 

 

5. How to Identify Harassment

For those caught up in it, harassment can be hard to recognize because its mechanisms hide within human communication, including the nonverbal. Yet the body often signals discomfort.

 

・Intuition Detects Harassment

As noted previously, once you understand the double-bind structure, it becomes clear. Those with a solid attachment base also sense it intuitively.

For example:
There’s a harsh boss; shouting echoes through the office.
Do you think,
“He’s strict but hard on us out of love,” or
“This workplace is weird”? Interpretations vary.

In fact, the latter is the more accurate recognition; the former is common among trauma survivors.

 

A perhaps imperfect analogy: In a religious group, when you notice troubling behavior by a leader, do you think,
“There must be a reason,” or
“Something’s wrong here”?

Regardless of authority, trust your intuition and don’t miss the sense of wrongness. The firmer the foundation, the clearer and more accurate that intuition is.

 

 

・The Fantasy that “Unfairness = Love”

Why do trauma survivors lean toward the first interpretation? Because they survived unfair environments. Those who have fully overcome can feel the wrongness; those still in the thick of it make sense of things by thinking “(Parents’/others’) unfairness is really love,” maintaining a fantasy.

They may loathe the unfair person yet feel attached and follow “strict” people. Many also hold the belief—widely spread—that “you mustn’t run away from hardship,” which traps conscientious people in particular.

 

 

・Practical Ways to Notice Harassment

There are several ways.

The best is to suspect harassment when being with someone triggers guilt or a sense of being blamed. Next, if a place feels hard to be in—if you feel out of place—suspect harassment.

If you feel a daily heaviness—like lead in your chest or endless overcast skies (excluding clear mood disorders like major depression)—suspect it as well.

Then map your situation onto the harassment structure and analyze what’s happening. If it fits, you are in a harassment situation.

 

 

 

6. Summary — How to Break Free from Harassment

・Recognize that harassment is the cause of your suffering

When life feels harsh, the most important first step is recognizing that harassment is the cause. To do that, learn the mechanisms.

Understanding lets you verify whether your current situation qualifies as harassment. Once you see what’s happening, you can plan next steps.

 

 

・Know that you bear no guilt and are not the problem

Harassment implants guilt. It makes you believe you’re at fault. If you act while believing you share blame, you’ll try to “change yourself.”

Trying to change yourself implies you don’t trust the [True Self] and accept that you’re at fault. The more you try to change, the farther you stray from the [True Self], and the worse you feel.

Harassment is others telling you to change your [True Self]. Deciding you “must change” plays right into it. What’s needed is knowing you don’t need to change—just as you are is enough.

 

 

・Leave quietly and as early as possible; don’t try to change the other

From there, plan to leave as quietly and quickly as you can. The basic strategy is to exit the situation.

And don’t try to change the harasser. They won’t change. At work, seek a transfer or, if needed, consider changing jobs. In partnerships, consider separation or divorce.

We know this isn’t easy. But harassment binds like the rope on a trained elephant: you have the power to be free, yet you’re made to believe you can’t—financially or in ability. Freeing yourself from the mental spell matters most.

Whatever you ultimately choose, considering options that increase independence often catalyzes your escape. Even if you must remain in place for now, your stance can change completely.

Often, harassment itself is the signal that “your true place is elsewhere.” Knowing the [True Self] and choosing a life true to you can be a turning point.

 

 

・Quick-fix communication hacks won’t suffice

Tactical communication tricks rarely succeed. The spell of original harassment leads you to dissociate when faced with unfairness, slipping into a “not-me” state. Even if you’ve memorized lines, you freeze or can’t speak.

 

 

・Release fixation on the harassment environment

Finally, for those who feel “it doesn’t sit right to just walk away.”

We naturally avoid what doesn’t matter to us; we neither engage nor dwell. That’s the absence of fixation. If you find yourself fixated—wanting to fight—it’s because you’re captured by the target.

If you meet a troublesome stranger in the street, you usually avoid them. Avoiding isn’t “running away”; confronting creates trouble.

In walking through life, every choice implies dropping countless others. That’s how we pick what we truly need.
It’s natural.

But when cut off from the [True Self]’s signals, you can’t tell what matters, and—anxious—you fixate on the unnecessary and try to confront it.

In other words, the urge to “fight harassment” is often fixation born of trauma.

 

The harassment structure includes a “don’t run away” third message, often instilled as discipline or education.

 

To dissolve the spell and fixation from original harassment, trauma care methods (Somatic Experiencing, Hakomi Therapy, Trauma Releasing Exercises, Brain Gym, TFT, Flower Essences, FAP therapy) can be effective.

→ Related article

　▶ “What Are Trauma (Developmental Trauma), PTSD, and Complex PTSD? Causes and Symptoms”

 

Without fixation, you won’t feel compelled to confront; you’ll naturally create distance and, in its place, encounter what you truly need.

 

For example, someone enduring a harsh workplace hesitates to change jobs but, upon finally doing so, finds warm relationships and work they truly want. Or someone troubled by a controlling parent thinks living alone is financially impossible, but after taking the leap, feels lighter and secures stable employment. These things genuinely happen.

 

 

・Live by the [True Self] as your standard

Breaking the spell of harassment means living by the felt sense of the [True Self], not by supposed societal “common sense” and norms.

 

Resolving harassment isn’t a mere technique; it’s re-choosing your life. As you do, what’s uncomfortable recedes, and you begin to meet what truly belongs with you.

 

 

→ Related articles

　▶ “What Is Harassment (Moral Harassment)? — Causes and Characteristics”

　▶ “Understanding Life Struggles: Causes and How to Overcome Them”

 

* If you wish to reprint or otherwise use content from this site, we kindly ask that you credit our site as the source or include a link.

(References / Sources)

Hirigoyen, Moral Harassment (Kinokuniya)

Ayumu Yasutomi & Seiichiro Honjo, Harassment Cascades (Kobunsha)

Nobuyori Oshima, Those Who Get Controlled (Aoyama Life Publishing)

Alice Miller, The Drama of the Gifted Child (Shinyosha)

Arno Gruen, The Insanity of “Normality” (Seidosha)

Yoko Fukao, “What Is the Decolonization of the Soul” (Seitosha)

Ayumu Yasutomi, Who Killed the Little Prince? — The Trap of Moral Harassment (Akashi Shoten)

Yoko Fukao, The Fate of Japan’s Frog Men (Kodansha)

Yoko Fukao, The True Nature of the “Tagame Women” Devouring Japanese Men (Kodansha)

Gregory Bateson, Mind and Nature: A Necessary Unity (New Shisaku-sha)

Ayumu Yasutomi, Techniques for Living (Seitosha)

Miki Ichitaro, Developmental Trauma: The True Nature of “Hard-to-Live-ness” (Discover Keisho)

etc.