Is Trauma the Hidden Cause of Your Relationship Problems?

Although not widely known, trauma can actually trigger a wide range of problems. Its impact is especially large in human relationships; many difficulties you thought were “just my personality” are in fact rooted in trauma. Under medical supervision, a licensed psychologist summarizes how trauma gives rise to interpersonal problems.

If you’ve read many books or tried counseling but nothing really changed, this may be especially useful.

<Created: 2025.9.26 / Last Updated: 2025.9.26>

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		Author of this article Ichitaro Miki (みきいちたろう) Licensed Psychologist (Japan) Graduated from Osaka University; completed Master’s program at Osaka University Graduate School Over 20 years in clinical psychology. Specializes in trauma and attachment disturbance as causes of diverse problems and “feeling hard to live.” Numerous publications (incl. Developmental Trauma: The Real Cause of “Feeling Hard to Live”; total author sales ~40,000 copies), TV appearances, supervision/consulting for dramas, and features in web media and magazines. See full profile here

Author of this article

Ichitaro Miki (みきいちたろう) Licensed Psychologist (Japan)

Graduated from Osaka University; completed Master’s program at Osaka University Graduate School

Over 20 years in clinical psychology. Specializes in trauma and attachment disturbance as causes of diverse problems and “feeling hard to live.” Numerous publications (incl. *Developmental Trauma: The Real Cause of “Feeling Hard to Live”*; total author sales ~40,000 copies), TV appearances, supervision/consulting for dramas, and features in web media and magazines.

See full profile here

		Medical reviewer of this article Yoshio Iijima, M.D. (Psychosomatic Medicine, etc.) In addition to psychosomatic medicine, he is also a clinical psychologist, Kampo physician, and general practitioner, with broad expertise across fields. He specializes particularly in medically unexplained symptoms and dysautonomia. See full profile here

Medical reviewer of this article

Yoshio Iijima, M.D. (Psychosomatic Medicine, etc.)

In addition to psychosomatic medicine, he is also a clinical psychologist, Kampo physician, and general practitioner, with broad expertise across fields. He specializes particularly in medically unexplained symptoms and dysautonomia. See full profile here

<Article Writing Policy>

・Written by a licensed psychologist based on many years of clinical experience and clients’ accounts, especially from the perspectives of attachment and trauma practice; includes explanations and key takeaways.

・References, to the best of our ability, include specialized books and objective data.

・We strive to update the content with the latest insights whenever possible.

・This article has been translated from the original Japanese using AI. Therefore, it may contain unnatural translations, particularly for specialized terms.

・Common problems in human (interpersonal) relationships
・Interpersonal relationships are where trauma shows most strongly
・What is trauma?

・20 ways trauma affects relationships

・How to overcome relationship problems

Related articles

▶ “What Are Trauma (Developmental Trauma), PTSD, and Complex PTSD? Causes and Symptoms”

▶ “Is Your Constant Tension a Result of Trauma?”

▶ “When Work Doesn’t Go Well: The Hidden Impact of Trauma”

Expert Commentary (Licensed Psychologist)

Many of our difficulties and feelings of “life being hard” stem from human (interpersonal) relationships. We want to change them, improve them, get better at relating to people—or avoid getting entangled with people. Bookstores are lined with self-help and psychology titles that teach relationship skills. Yet even if a seminar or book feels helpful in the moment, we soon slip back. In reality, relationships are not only about communication techniques; they’re built holistically—from biological levels like the autonomic nervous system and tension (arousal) control, all the way to social and cultural influences. So working only on “communication” rarely solves the problem; we must rebuild from the ground up. What shakes that foundation is trauma. Because of trauma, no matter how well we “know it in our head,” we can’t relate to people as ourselves. We slide into self-loathing, and despite efforts we relapse—an unseen loop. This article summarizes the little-known impact of trauma on our relationships.

Common problems in human (interpersonal) relationships

So many people struggle to “get along with others.” For example, do any of these sound familiar?

・Conversations don’t click; you can’t read the room

You want to talk with friends or coworkers, but conversations somehow don’t mesh. You feel like the odd one out. In fact, you sometimes blurt out off-key remarks and miss the vibe.

・You can’t speak well

You can’t organize what you want to say. Even if you prepare in your head, when you start talking it turns into a jumble.

・You want to be with people, but it’s exhausting—so you avoid them

You do want company, but you get so drained that you’d rather be alone—yet you feel lonely.

・You get overly nervous

You become excessively tense for no clear reason and can’t behave calmly. You move in a fluster and may look suspicious or jittery.

▶ “Is Your Constant Tension a Result of Trauma?”

・You can’t be yourself

Around others you can’t stay authentic. You get giddy and perform “the energetic you,” or else clam up and can’t speak.

・You swing between arrogance and self-abasement

Even though you know it’s odd, you sometimes act haughty toward others, or the opposite—become servile and fawning. You can’t form equal, natural relationships; you seem flighty or your “core” collapses in front of others.

・You can’t state your opinion—or don’t even know what it is

Even trivial choices (where to go, what to eat) you can’t decide yourself—you defer to others. When asked your view, your mind goes blank. Friends have said, “Say what you think.”

・You can’t show your true self

You can’t talk about yourself. You fear being misunderstood if you do—and in the past you were criticized. So you hide yourself even more, perform to avoid being disliked, and overexert.

・You get emotional and damage relationships

With family, partners, friends, or coworkers/supervisors/subordinates, you get emotional, blame or corner them, and end up harming the relationship.

・You suddenly “cool off” even toward people you liked

A partner or colleague you liked suddenly looks disappointing; their flaws stand out and you judge them harshly.

・People tend to look down on you or make fun of you

You’re the one who gets underestimated—at work and in private life. Even when you find a close friend, over time they start belittling you.

・People don’t really understand your situation

It’s hard to put your struggles into words—and hard to be understood. When you do share, others blame your personality or “communication skills.”

・It feels like you’re piloting a robot called “me”

You can’t grasp how others see you. You don’t feel directly connected in communication. Because your well-meant words or actions keep angering or provoking ridicule, you feel unable to steer your behavior properly—as if you’re in a cockpit with no outside view, operating a robot called “yourself.”

Etc.

The kinds of relationship problems listed above are not because your personality is defective or your communication skills are poor. They are not your fault. There is a mechanism behind them that generates these problems.

Interpersonal relationships are where trauma shows most strongly

It’s not widely known, but relationships are precisely where trauma shows itself most vividly.
When someone says they “can’t be themselves” in relationships, trauma is the first thing to suspect.

Yet trauma is a field with very few truly specialized counselors or physicians, and many professionals find it difficult. So almost no one will explain that many interpersonal problems actually stem from trauma.

Society also overemphasizes “communication skills,” and when things go poorly tends to blame the individual’s personality—further obscuring the reality.

This article summarizes how trauma affects us and prevents us from being ourselves in relationships.

What is trauma?

What is trauma? Simply put, it is a “stress disorder.” Excessive or chronic stress dysregulates the brain, autonomic nervous system, and psyche.
Unprocessed memories of unjust events that happened to you in the past also generate diverse symptoms.

Living with trauma means that, for the person, danger is always near. They are constantly forced into tension and cannot focus on the person in front of them. As a result, relationships go poorly.

Many people don’t realize they carry trauma. If you notice the kinds of signs described here, it’s important to consider trauma as a possibility.

→ For more on trauma, see here:
　▶ “What Are Trauma (Developmental Trauma), PTSD, and Complex PTSD? Causes and Symptoms”

20 ways trauma affects relationships

Let’s look concretely at how trauma exerts its effects. Not all items apply to everyone with trauma; intensity varies by case.

1. Living under constant “threat”

・Re-experiencing and flashbacks

A hallmark of trauma is re-experiencing. Memories of unjust events recur on a loop. They feel vividly present, as if happening now. Even in calm daily life, the person lives side-by-side with “threat.”

Others are felt as potential threats, which undermines confident, natural contact.

So-called flashbacks bring up images of past events or phrases that were said to you.

A common example is hearing a self-denigrating “voice”: “You’re no good,” “You make people unhappy”—echoes of a parent’s voice that never stop, making relaxed contact with others impossible.

・Basic lack of trust

If you grew up where your parents fought constantly, images of violence and verbal abuse become the substrate for relationships, making it hard to feel safe with people (lack of basic trust).

Handling others’ emotions is very hard, often triggering fear or a blank mind. At work, a harsh or brusque person may make you fawn or dissociate; your response falters, and that very reaction can anger them further.

・Counter-re-experiencing that leads to problematic behavior

There is also counter-re-experiencing (counter-reenactment), in which one repeats toward others the unjust acts once inflicted on oneself.

2. Excessive tension and inability to match others’ pace

・Hyperarousal

Due to living next to danger, hyperarousal sets in—constant vigilance, excessive tension or excitement. Internally, this is a reaction to past crises, but people around you are operating in ordinary daily life, so your pace doesn’t match. You seem unable to read the room; conversations miss each other.

You may look fidgety/odd and be labeled “weird” or “spacey.” Inside, you may think “That’s not who I am,” feel your self-esteem sink, or simmer with rage.

・Poor control of arousal (“tension”)

Because arousal-control is impaired, you get amped when others are calm, and sink when the mood should rise.

You tense up in ordinary conversation, then feel down at parties when everyone else is excited.
(Chronic neural tension leads to easy fatigue; in key moments your brain is already tired and can’t respond well.)

▶ “Is Your Constant Tension a Result of Trauma?”

3. Fear of abandonment and resulting over-adaptation

Beyond hyperarousal, there is fear of abandonment—an excessive fear of being disliked or left.

Fearing abandonment keeps you tense around others. To avoid it, you over-adjust yourself and over-adapt to others.

The fear can rival fear of death. So even if you “know better,” you can’t help but shape yourself to others. If you’ve long lived this way, you may scarcely know your own true preferences—and rarely related to others from your authentic self.

4. Strong social anxiety and fear of people

You’re convinced people tend to dislike you; even if things start well, they’ll end in rupture. You feel you cannot control situations.

Because you feel out of control, even slight signs of another’s bad mood make you extremely uneasy. With tough-seeming, gruff, or perpetually unsmiling people, you can’t communicate calmly.

5. Exhausted from over-consideration—yet judged as inconsiderate

Outwardly, dissociation makes your face mask-like; inwardly, you’re exhausted from constant over-consideration. You burn so much energy on being considerate that you freeze when it counts.

Then you get labeled as inconsiderate or inert, targeted, and poorly rated. “Why? I’m trying so hard to be considerate!”—you feel bewildered and angry at others’ lack of understanding.

6. With no inner standard, other people’s judgments = your self

A feature of trauma is that your standard shifts outside yourself.

If you’ve been subjected to ongoing injustice, the outside standard feels “right” and you “wrong.” Others’ evaluations become your very self.

So praise makes you overly elated, while criticism crushes you more than warranted.

If a parent was controlling, it can be pronounced: because the outside standard feels absolutely right, you compulsively obey “rules” and impose them on others—denigrating those who don’t conform. You lose flexibility and the sense that everyone has their own pace and “norms,” and you become coercive.

7. Inability to say no

Because of abandonment fear and lack of an inner standard, you can’t refuse invitations or requests. You fear that saying no will bring bad outcomes or lost opportunities.

You say yes to everything like a people-pleaser, which can backfire and harm the relationship. You’re saying yes to all, but none of it feels authentic; you lack confidence in your own judgment.

8. Time is “stopped” by trauma, keeping you in an immature state

Those with trauma often appear younger than their age. Internally, they see themselves as younger; conversely, others look older.

This occurs because memories from that time loop; time has stopped inside. If the trauma was at 3, you’re “stuck” at 3; if at 5, then at 5.

9. Immature, fixed images of self and others

In development, healthy narcissism gradually matures—our capacity to love ourselves, forming self-image and self-esteem. If it doesn’t mature, communication suffers. Healthy narcissism grows on the foundation of attachment with caregivers and developmental tasks.

・Immature images of self and others

Normally, children begin with omnipotence and idealized parents, then right-size both through failure and social contact, gaining appropriate confidence and trust. But with trauma freezing time, narcissistic development stalls; images of self and others remain immature and distorted.

For example, grandiosity coexists with insecurity. You idealize people, then if they fall short of your inner standard, you denigrate them as wholly “bad.” You can’t evaluate a whole person (splitting).

・A “narcissistic personality disorder” state

It becomes hard to feel others as fully human; you miss emotional nuances. This can resemble what’s called “narcissistic personality disorder.”

▶ “What Are Personality Disorders? Causes and Features Explained by a Licensed Psychologist”

・Hypertrophied narcissism

People left with immature images are more common than we think. In daily life, those who harshly look down on underperformers often show enlarged narcissism.

・Relationships that don’t “update”

Some carry earlier relationship patterns straight into the workplace—for example, teacher–student dynamics. A boss isn’t a teacher, but you treat them like one.

Even when the boss is merely justifying their own unreasonable behavior, you think “They’re always acting for my sake,” take it at face value, endure power-harassment in a black company, and keep suffering.

・It’s the effect of trauma—not that the person is inherently immature

When due to trauma, it’s more accurate to say the person is held in an immature state by dissociation, not that they “are immature.” In a “double-ledger” sense, the adult self is actually developed behind the scenes and does understand self and others.

If you want to know whether trauma is affecting you, you can do a brief self-check below.

(Reference) → “Trauma(Developmental Trauma, complex PTSD) Check for Self-Understanding”

10. Not grasping the “power dynamics” and emotion-based mechanisms of relationships—so you lose

Human relationships are dual-layered. One layer is the ideal: “People can all understand each other,” “Just be sincere.” The other is the animal substrate: relationships run on power dynamics and emotions—jealousy, fear, resentment.

“Power dynamics” isn’t only hierarchy or bargaining; it’s the balance of a one-to-one relationship—and the mind-body condition that supports that balance. To navigate relationships well, we need both the ideal and the substrate; this is a developmental task of maturity.

With trauma, time is stuck at a young age, so this is hard to grasp. Hormone and glucose balance can also be off, so you can’t be neutral in power dynamics. Only from a neutral base can the “ideal layer” be realized—but trauma makes us idealistic, skipping the substrate to chase “pure” relationships.

You keep blaming yourself, and because of trauma-induced brain dysregulation, you lose the real-world power dynamic and end up the one who suffers.

11. Excessive objectivity

In reality, society is woven from subjectivities in contact; there is no view from true “objectivity.”

But under trauma, consciousness dissociates to a nonexistent “objective” vantage point; you constantly monitor yourself and events. Fearing deviation from some imagined objective standard, you can’t act with confidence.

Eventually, louder voices win, and you resign yourself to swallowing it.

12. Fixation on unpleasant people; rumination and mental simulations

You get caught up with people you dislike or don’t fit with.
“Why do they say/do those things?” Your mind keeps returning to them. You can’t let go of hurtful events; your head fills with bad memories and with simulations of “Next time I’ll respond like this,” looping endlessly.

You may crave their approval or try to “change” them. Even if you want to cut ties, your attention keeps returning there.

If you’d like to gauge how easily you’re swayed by others’ words, try this test:

→ “How Easily Are You Affected by Others' Words? Diagnostic Test”

13. Being overly harsh toward others

There’s a tendency to be strict with others. Because you idealize them rather than see them as they are, your demands are high. You criticize harshly at work and expect others to meet lofty standards; if they don’t, you denigrate them.

You’re strict with yourself, too, but with immature narcissism others perceive you as both stoic and oddly self-serving—full of excuses. Cooperation breaks down and relationships sour.

14. Arrogance toward others and extreme self-abasement

・Rebellion against “adults”

Related to denigrating others, hypertrophied narcissism can make you act arrogantly, straining relationships. If parents were unjust, latent rebellion against parents/adults may exist. At the same time you feel somehow inauthentic, not the “real thing.”

・Arrogant behavior and high ideals

A former startup CEO once wrote that as a child he saw a parent brandish a knife; his arrogance and rebellion are understandable as effects of developmental trauma. Yet—as with many trauma survivors—he doesn’t truly want to look down on others; he truly longs for genuine, heartfelt connection and not to become the kind of person he hates.

・Stigma and manic defense

Conversely, idealizing others may lead you to see everyone around as far more proper than you, and you become excessively deferential. A persistent sense of defect (stigma) lingers. To avoid feeling inferior, you protect yourself by becoming grand or superior (manic defense).

15. Regressing and sulking

With narcissism held in an early state, reprimands can trigger regression and sulking. You feel misunderstood.

This isn’t because you’re “immature by nature.” Dissociation forces regression against your will. You feel deep confusion and shame about reacting childishly, then defend yourself with excuses—or turn anger toward uncomprehending others.

16. Contempt for emotional people

With enlarged narcissism and idealization of others, you strive to be an ideally rational person. You value constant self-improvement and may despise emotionality.

If parents behaved unjustly, this is stronger: “I’ll never be like them.” You see emotion as immaturity and aim to transcend it with reason; you feel obliged to become “more human.”

But suppressing emotion impairs communication. Others feel you’re cold, not connecting; your logic may be right, but they feel unseen—and it backfires. You end up irritated at others and at yourself for being “small.”

17. Intense shame, guilt, and self-blame

Trauma breeds strong shame and guilt. You see past actions as far more shameful than they were. You feel guilty for things that weren’t actually your fault and blame yourself excessively.

18. Emptiness, worthlessness, nihilism

You may feel worthless, or that life is empty. After severe abuse (e.g., sexual), some reenact devaluation by entering harmful relationships or considering sex work. Even if not enacted, many say they once thought of it. Behind this lie trauma-induced worthlessness and nihilism.

19. Mismatched distance and pace with others

Trauma erodes your inner standard and base; with grandiosity and abandonment fear, you misjudge distance.

You either keep too much distance and can’t build ties, or get too close too fast before the relationship ripens. You may act overly familiar or overly deferential.

To hide insecurity, you raise your energy unnaturally or act chummy (manic defense).

Either way, you can’t relate from your true self.
You feel the mismatch yourself and suffer confusion, not knowing what to do, along with loneliness.

20. Dissociation makes you “not your true self”

Across trauma symptoms, a common thread is becoming “not your true self.” Dissociation means that past memories or current triggers shift your state (even personality), so you can’t respond to others’ communication.

Your face goes mask-like; your voice loses feeling. Others misread this as contempt and get angrier.

Mild dissociation brings detachment and later memory gaps. In stronger forms, personality states shift—you may reenact a young self or an internalized critical parent (extreme cases resemble DID).
So you may regress or lash out without realizing it.

For example, “borderline personality disorder” becomes easier to understand (and less stigmatizing) seen as dissociation due to broad-sense trauma: a small trigger (abandonment fear) flips a state, leading to devaluation or turmoil.

(Reference) Developmental trauma disorder and attachment disorder

Abuse can produce symptoms resembling developmental disorders. Professor Toshio Sugiyama calls this the “fourth developmental disorder” after intellectual disability, autism spectrum, and ADHD/learning disorders (source: Sugiyama, *Child Abuse as the Fourth Developmental Disorder*).
▶ “What Are Adult Developmental Disorders/Asperger’s? Essence Explained by a Licensed Psychologist”

Psychiatrist Takashi Okada also argues that attachment disorder can produce developmental-disorder-like states, suggesting rising “developmental disorders” may reflect attachment disturbance (source: Okada, *Don’t Call It a Developmental Disorder*).

▶ “What is Attachment Disorder? Its Characteristics and Symptoms"

How to overcome relationship problems

・It’s not a skills or ability issue—“I know but can’t do it”

Books on communication or self-help won’t solve it at the root. The hallmark of trauma-driven problems is “I know, but I can’t stop.” You know what to do, but fear and anxiety surge and you freeze; behavior won’t follow knowledge, and relationships become strained. Treating it as a skills gap can even hurt more.

・It’s not a personality or character flaw—if anything, you’re over-socialized by over-accommodation

Even if you sometimes act rude, that doesn’t mean your personality is defective. Earlier we used “immature,” but that’s not blaming—you’re being held in a temporarily immature state by trauma. It’s not that you lack sociality; you’re over-socialized due to over-adaptation.

You’ve been made to believe you lack common sense or have a bad character, then over-pressured to be “extra social,” leaving you stuck. What’s needed is to suppress the compulsion to over-adapt, trust yourself, and reclaim your own standard.

・It’s not your fault—don’t blame yourself

Your current problems aren’t due to your personality or poor communication. Trauma is distorting your behavior. You don’t have to blame yourself. There is no need for self-reproach.

・Learn the causes and mechanisms

Learn the mechanisms outlined here. Reenactment, hyperarousal, and dissociation keep you from being yourself. Knowing the mechanics alone can keep you from being swept up by unseen forces.

Mechanisms include the dual-layered structure of relationships: power dynamics as the base, with ideals built on top. Where power dynamics aren’t neutral—where there’s denigration or servility—the “ideal” relationships we want cannot exist.

・Build the condition to be neutral in power dynamics

You can’t form the better relationships you want without a neutral stance in the relational “power field.” Work involves stresses and pressure; if your condition isn’t solid—especially if trauma has lowered neuroendocrine balance and brain energy—you’ll get steamrolled and end up feeling bad.

To achieve neutrality, you need to harden and steady mind and body. Resolving trauma—which heavily lowers brain function—is one key way.

・Distance yourself from toxic ties; seek people and settings that fit you

With trauma, we fixate on misfitting, unpleasant ties. Learn what “natural” looks like. The basic principle: move away from harmful ties and seek people and contexts that suit you.

Focusing on a difficult person and trying to win them over or change them is pointless. Let unpleasant, incompatible people drift by. When you do, relationships that truly fit you arrive. Knowing this shifts your environment little by little.